Matthew 12: 46-50

The Limits of Love

Sunday February 28, 2010

Rev. Susan Cartmell

The Congregational Church of Needham

                During February our sermons are all about love. The first week we talked about becoming an open and affirming church and the way that reaching out to people who had experienced  discrimination  enriched our own community and strengthened the ties that bind us together. On Valentine's Day Morgan preached about the challenges of love, and how justice requires us to take a stand for the less fortunate. Last week I talked about the way love is kind - not jealous or boastful.  Love can change us when we are patiently faithful to its demands.

                Today, I want to talk about the limits of love. Love is one of the most complicated human emotions. Throughout history humans have acknowledged the beauty and complexity of love. From the time of Adam and Eve, the Bible says that love may be wonderful, but it does not shield us from temptation. Human history has see the power and cost of love. The Trojan War was fought out of love for Helen of Troy.   In his comedy - "Loves Labours Lost", Shakespeare shows how easily we fall succeptible to love's allures, and then ensnared by it and at the mercy of our passions.   Most operas - like Madame Butterfly - give musical expression to the ways that love can tear us apart.  

But you don't have to go to the literature or music to learn about love. You can just grow up in any family and discover afresh each day the strength and demand of love. While most of us have people in our lives who loved us with devotion we have also seen the darker side of love. We know people who manipulated us with their love. We have been seduced by love and then had our affections used. If we have had siblings we know what it is to be jealous of love or to compete for it.  We have known the pride and turmoil of having people jealous of us.  Many of us have tried to love someone we hoped we could change, and humbled by the reality that even our wonderful love could not fix their problems.  Many of us have had our hearts broken by people who could not return our love, or love us as we needed. At one time or another we have all had to learn that there are limits to love.

At church we talk often about the love of Jesus. We point to Christ as an example of someone who lived with love. He loved the children when other people pushed them aside. He loved the lepers and the tax collectors with equal alacrity. He loved the poor with a prophet's passion. So we assume that he is always patient and forgiving and kind. But our story today would show otherwise. For this reason Christ has a lot to teach us about the limits of love.

In the first place, there are limits to love. In our drama today, Jesus' family heard rumors that his messages have grown more and more inflammatory.  They were worried that he had gone mad, and they wanted to stop him. They thought they were protecting him, but they did not trust that he knew what he is doing.

Jesus sensed their fears. When they arrived he wouldn't talk to them. He won't even see them. Jesus' reply is stunning for its starkness. He says, "Who is my mother? Who are my siblings, but those who do the will of God."  He does not try to placate his mom. He does not try to handle his family. Neither does he change his mission for their sake.  He does not censor himself. He says - "If they don't understand what I am doing, or love me for who I am I cannot speak to them. I can't put energy into listening to them now.

 Christ's message is clear. There are limits to love, even with your own family. You are not required to do what everyone wants you to do.  If you feel that you are not heard or your words are not  respected, you don't necessarily have to change even for people you love.

Christ tells us to love God, and to love your neighbor, as you love yourself. To be really happy, we have to strive to love ourselves as much as we love others.  These three- love for God, neighbor and self- have to be in balance or nothing is right. In the Old Testament it says to love God with all your heart, and soul and might, but Jesus tells his disciples to love with all your heart and soul and mind. Love should not be blind. The emotional intensity needs to be tempered with reason. The mind is the seat of conscience so love should have an ethical and moral dimension to it. Jesus said that you don't build a house without first sitting down to count the cost. That is especially true of the house of love.  {"The Limits of love"  blog by Charles Henderson on God Web.}  There are limits to love.

Secondly, you cannot be all things to all people.  Jesus was surrounded by people who wanted him to meet their needs. The sick wanted healing. The rabbis wanted debate. The Pharisees wanted affirmation. The Sadducees wanted his ideas. He was facing pressure from all sides. Christ would go crazy trying to please them all. If Jesus did not try to meet everyone's needs, why do we think we can do it?  

  Over the years many of you have come to me with stories about your families. They are not identical stories, but a similar themes run through many of them. You tell me about people in your family who are hard to love. You recall stories of times when people took advantage of your kindness. You describe people who twist your comments and did not really listen to you all the while insisting that you do what they want. You come to me because you assume that the Bible would have you continue to suffer. You come to me because you have heard me urge you to follow Jesus. It is easy to assume that Jesus was long-suffering. You ask the obvious question:"Is this what God expects of me?" Does it have to be this hard?

You seem surprised when I say that God does not expect you to be a doormat. God may not want you to be so self-sacrificing. Jesus died a hard death, but he did not seek suffering. He stood up for himself, whenever possible. He was not weak. Christ  did not allow the Pharisees to pull him into traps. He did not engage demons in conversations. He did not defend himself against false accusations. He did not give into the temptations that the devil sets for him in the wilderness. He knew that saying "No" to some things was the only way to say "yes" to other things. As often as I have heard the safety lecture at the beginning of an airplane flight, reminds me of a truth I can easily forget. When they remind you to put your own on before you can help someone else it is good advice for life. I need to hear it again and again so I can practice that wisdom every day. I need to keep reminding myself that I won't be much good to anyone else if I fail to care for myself.

Setting some limits with children ultimately fosters their independence. It reminds children that they don't need you to fix their problems or rescue them. It is tempting to think you can save people with your love, but it is ultimately a trap.  Eventually we feel burdened by our compassion. The very ones we love, resent being dependent on us. It forms a vicious cycle. Love - even the best love - cannot save someone. You cannot be all things to all people.

Finally, love is a gift from God. So often love takes us by surprise. We can cultivate it no more than we can run from it. It is always a gift. It is a spiritual gift when people find themselves affirmed when they look at each other. You can fight like dogs as children and love your siblings fiercely. You can be a skeptic and fall head over heels, lost in a passion you never saw coming. You can hope for children and still find that their love brings graces to you that you couldn't imagine. Love is always a gift. It comes over us when we have not planned for it, and when we least expect it.  None of can earn love, and when we find ourselves smitten we feel unworthy of its bounty.   

                In the end the most accurate thing we can say about God is that God is love. God makes it possible for us to receive love and give it away. Love freely given and openly received is a miracle of trust and hope. Love is a gift from God. When we treat it with reverence, we do love justice.